Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Booze: the KofC's Official Beverage Recommendation

By DammerWillEatU

Seeing as I'm bored at work I think it's time to revisit the clan's health as the holidays arrive and you come into contact with some possibly very disgusting and sickly relatives. As you may remember, a while back we discussed on these very pages the merits of adding the intake of a multi-vitamin to your routine. This may boost the immune system, but what about those quick fixes we sometimes need to clean out the system or provide an instant feel-good moment? Some of you (UnkyDubhawg) may mock what I'm about to present to you, but rest assured most of you will probably agree.


Beer, beer the magical food, the more you drink the more you...die? As Lee Corso would say, "Not so fast my friend!". I've always been a proponent of the healing powers of alcohol, but it is beginning to look like the rest of the world is jumping on the body-building booze bandwagon, and with alliteration like that who wouldn't be!? Seriously though folks, we've all witnessed the amazing and various powers of booze. It's been known to increase speed, strength, intelligence, and even looks.

Look deep into the recesses of your booze-soaked brain and think about some of your greatest drinking accomplishments. Have you ever grinded on a chick at the local club before? Not sober! Have you ever thrown booze bottles onto the street? They go a lot farther when you're blitzed don't they. Who here plays Halo? Oh you all do? Ok then you all know about the "perfect Halo state", that magical place where your BAC is just right and you focus so intently on playing that every decision you make and every shot you take...is just right for the situation.

Now I've run many miles in my life, and I can tell you that if I'm in a short sprint contest, I want to be drunk. Have you ever felt faster than when you're sloshed? Personal experience of running back to my dorm from the bar late on a Saturday night tells me that SB is the fastest man alive.......when drunk. Sprinting is not the only way to run that benefits from booze though, endurance is also greatly increased if you're going slow enough. My Sunday long runs with the cross country team sucked regardless of whether I was sober or not, but at least if I was still drunk I didn't feel the first 5 miles. And sometimes I was even drunk enough that I couldn't get out of bed to go (chalk one up for getting the recommended amount of sleep). I can think of a certain clan member (Unky Eternal) that has no problem going on long drunken excursions, much like this fellow. How tiring would that have been sober? Plus, who here has had a drink or two to get over a hangover? Yeah that's right, IB Profin and alcohol, a hangover's worst enemy...or is it this? (my personal thinking is that if you combined that with a multivitamin you would have a cure for almost any ailment)

Enough about the magical powers though, what about the health benefits I first mentioned? Well obviously if you're running faster and longer you will increase your physical health. If you're grinding on chicks you will have a greater chance of contributing to healthier relationships with the opposite sex (not necessarily the same sex however), thus resulting in a more complete and healthy mental disposition. Now thanks to a new study, you should also know that beers defined as a stout, not a lager, work to decrease your chance of having a heart attack by reducing your bloods ability to clot. Unfortunately for us, the KofC drinks heavily of the latter. This isn't all that discouraging however, considering that the KofC's top beers of choice (Coors, Busch, Keystone) placed well in a recent Consumer Report study. Some of us at the KofC do enjoy a nice glass of red wine anyway, whos health benefits have been proven time and time again.

What is the bottom line here folks? It's quite simple. DRINK YOUR BOOZE! And don't worry about those folks that say you're killing your brain cells. There's proof that they come back anyway, and at the rates they're talking it may be best to live the rollercoaster lifestyle the KofC is known for.

12 comments:

Daymonster said...

Wait, so the official beverage recommendation is Booze? Booze is the official beverage of the KofC? I don't think you needed to write a long research paper to get us to agree to that.

Are we going with just "booze" or are we going with a specific kind of booze.

I like just "booze".

Josey WaIes said...

Beer is better for you than milk or pop, it has less calories, it is ture I leanred it a brewery.

Dammer said...

Research paper? Nah, just a helpful reminder providing actual backing of concrete evidence for any arguments you may get into about your drinking habits.

I prefer "booze". In any shape or form (except for gin and pina coladas) booze is good.

Daymonster said...

How do you not like gin or pina coladas? Both are good. I don't like coconuts but pina coladas taste good, and gin mixed with tonic is good. You don't like eating pine needles?

If the Official Beverage of KofC is "booze"

I think we should also come up with an official mixed drink for KofC. It should be blue i think.

Unky Warthog said...

I can attest to the faster part. If I hadn't been completely wasted I could've only outran Reserve Officer Johnson for 50 yards, but throw 3-4 pitchers in me and it was easily 75.

Dammer said...

Gin's problem is that it makes me cringe when I taste it, and I mix my drinks strong. I've done ok with gin-lemonades that are weak on the gin, but that's not the proportion I prefer out of my drinks.

I don't think I've had any mixed drinks that are blue in color. Personally though, my mixed drink of choice is (in order most to least) either a White Russian (or Caucasian if you prefer), Long Island, or Squirt and Whiskey. Kinda old mannish I know.

Daymonster said...

we could just add blue food coloring to what ever we decided.

adeclipse said...

MMMmmm Beer.

Dammer said...

True on both counts Daymonster and Addy. We could also throw powdered adderall into whatever we drink...

Daymonster said...

Anyone wanna play Halo today?

Daymonster said...

check this out, this is not a bad idea at all for assault.

the video

Dammer said...

Which video there's like ten?